Tag: writing

581: “What She Didn’t Tell Them” (Mary Helen Specht)

                “What she told them: She told them about the clock radio she got from her birthday one year […]
                What she didn’t tell them: “How her father had reams of paper in his office, and how she used to steal some of it […]”
                -Mary Helen Specht, Mudlark, page 117

                One of the things Mary Helen Specht does so powerfully in Mudlark is create, respect, and press into that distanced space that can exist between two people. In this case, it’s a mother Jenny and her daughter Neko. When the book unfolds from Neko’s perspective, we feel the longing of a child who somehow can’t quite reach across thought and temperament to her mom. When the book unfolds from Jenny’s perspective, we feel a parent’s world forever changed by a changing daughter and by the everythings Jenny and Neko somehow can’t say to each other. Or can’t hear. 
                I’m only halfway through the book, so I don’t know how things will go for these two. But I feel the reach. The distance. The love that goes on all the same. When someone isn’t able to recognize their own story as just one side of the interaction—maybe that’s when they end up locking themselves away. When a story has space for what we say and what we can’t say—space for that longing to reach each other across the distance, even when it doesn’t feel possible—when that longing takes shape—
                Well, I haven’t finished the book yet. But even unresolved, the tension feels like hope.

by Azlan

579: “Acquiring New Meanings” (Vandana Kalra & Shilpa Gupta)

                Vandana Kalra: “Do artworks keep evolving, acquiring new meanings, even after leaving the artist’s studio?”
                Shilpa Gupta: “They do […] [One example] would be an outdoor light installation which is currently being shown on Lake Zurich. In the 2004 work, lines from a ruled book rise and get transformed into three interwoven languages—English, Urdu and Hindi—all saying, ‘I live under your sky, too.’ Fifteen years ago…”
                -From Vandana Kalra’s interview with artist Shilpa Gupta on September 6, 2020

                Sometimes writing the trick of writing pretends that these words exist somehow “out there,” steady and stable, meaning the same thing year after year and place beyond place. I love staring at that illusion until I blink and see through it. Every piece of writing I really connect—like every piece of art that inspires or humbles me—is always acquiring new meaning.
                I first read this interview with Shilpa Gupta 2021, a few months after it happened. Since then I’ve returned to it: the webpage and the words are the same, but the meaning is different, just like Gupta’s light installation meant different things while changing times and places in 2004 to 2020. Perhaps that’s on my mind because a series like Uproar is a kind of transformation through time. I can go back and read the posts from 2015 or 2017 or 2020, and the pixels on my screen pretend they’re the same, but for me they never are. Sometimes what I wrote back then is a realization that has grown into the soil of my life, so now it’s a practice, and it’s surprising to see the seed being planted. Sometimes a quote I wrote about sounds completely different to my ear then it did then: not a seed but a shovel, or not a shovel but a mirror, or not a mirror but a crack in a mirror, or not a crack but a wildflower I admire as I pass by. 
                It’s not just our gardens that change. Our tools shift in our hands, too. When I started teaching a mentor told me, “I’ve been assigning The Catcher in the Rye long enough to go from seeing myself in the teenager to seeing myself in the older teacher.” When I pay attention to the readings I assign students, they all change, year after year: not just in how I see myself in them, but in how they connect to the world around them and in what they make possible.

by Azlan

578: “Sensory Hairs” (Ed Yong)

                “Sensory hairs are versatile structures. They can be actively pressed against surfaces to produce tactile sensations, as whisking rats and oripulating manatees do. But they can also be passively bent and deflected by flowing air or water. By responding to that pressure, an animal can detect the flows created by distant objects, touching things from afar without needing to make direct contact.” -Ed Yong, An Immense World, page 172

                Sometimes I play a game with myself: I look up at the sky and imagine a vaulted veiling, sometimes above the treetops, above the bird’s flight paths, above the clouds. I’m trying to take a sip of just how much open space I’m seeing. Something similar has happened when I stood high on a mountain ridge, looking across a valley to another peak: all that expanse, as far as a long day’s hike, as close (it seems) as cold lakewater cupped in my two hands. It can be hard for me to see how much this how much is, how deep, how wondrous. And so I practice.
                And I practice with what I can’t see. Yong goes on to describe an experiment in which two manatees could clearly feel the slight vibrations—movements of less than a millionth of a meter—of a submerged sphere a meter away from their flanks. What would that be like, to be so in touch with the flow of the water you swim in? I don’t know. I imagine it. Just as delightedly, I remember that I don’t know. I imagine how little I see: how narrow a face of the world my eyes give me (wondrous as they are). I look at my skin, my arm hairs, sensitive in so many ways. I feel how much I have to learn from a manatee about being touched.

by Azlan

577: “[A Tool] Made By Someone Else” (Min-zhan Lu)

                “[Because of how I was taught, it seemed that the tool of language] was made by someone else and was then acquired and used by me. How the others made it before I acquired it determined and guaranteed what it produced when I used it.”
                -Min-zhan Lu, From Words To Silence, p. 445 

                Today I started teaching a seminar for university instructors to come from across campus and discuss what we’re doing when we teach writing, and how we can do it better. It’s a wonderful, experimental, interdisciplinary conversation, with people joining from around the world and from many different fields. Sometimes—at first—it can be hard to get on the same page. We all come from different disciplines, and so we have different ways of talking about writing and writing instruction. Today we suddenly landed on that shared page by remembering Min-zhan Lu and asking: well, what are you doing when you write? In your learning, what is the tool of writing for?
                For assessment, said several instructors. Reflecting on their own educational journey, another added: writing is how I put together my thoughts. Another: writing is where I build the puzzle that I hope to share with you, inviting you to rebuild it and  work with it in your mind. Another: writing is where I release some of a day’s stress. Another: writing is one place I go to understand who I am and where I’m headed. All these answers, and the tensions between them, led to the first great conversation of our seminar. When writing is being used to judge how well you did, it can be hard to take up writing as a tool for weaving together all the threads of a complex thought. But we like that tapestry. And I like the reminder: when we’re working together across perspectives and trainings, we can step back to ask, what do our tools do? What do we want from them? Who told us to use them that way, and what other things might I want to do with this shovel, this pen, this question?

                And because I love writing as a puzzle you get to remake for yourself, here’s a riddle from the poet Symphosius (late 7th or early 8th century) as translated by Richard Wilbur. The question is (as the question so often is) what am I?

                “Long daughter of the forest, swift of pace,
                In whom old neighbors join as beam and brace,
                I speed on many paths, yet leave no trace.”

by Azlan

575: “Where Unfriendly Eyes Might See It” (Nghi Vo)

                 “There was the name I called him, of course, but the habits of a lifetime die hard, and I do not wish that written down in any place where unfriendly eyes might see it.” -Nghi Vo, The Empress of Salt and Fortune, page 69

                 Nghi Vo’s wonderful novella shares this line in the dramatic, dangerous world of high politics and spies and secret messages, but it also captures something I feel in almost all my writing. At least, all of the writing that I imagine being read by more than one person.
                 In a conversation or a letter to a friend, we know the garden in which we’re sharing these words. We know each other: maybe we don’t know if the other one has read and loves The Empress of Salt and Fortune, but we’re somewhat familiar with one another’s interests and worries, with the complex weaves of intentions and relationships that live behind me saying Nghi Vo captures something I feel in almost all my writing. In writing that is read more broadly, the shared space of our conversation’s garden only exists if we make it inside the act of reading and writing. And people might come into the garden of this shared paragraph in other ways. They might come in with their heavy boots on, thoughtless of where they’re stepping, or more. They might come in unfriendly, looking to take what isn’t being shared.
                 I think that’s why I often find myself writing to specific people. To old teachers, some of whom I know will never see this. To distant friends, people I’m still close to or with whom I’ve long since lost touch. To authors still alive or from long ago who talk to me in their writing, and so I am talking back, imagining the space where we could meet and share. That situates the writing inside a seeing that is friendly, or at least respectful, or at least relational. We are thinking about how we see each other. Who we are to each other. And the way writing is used, sometimes that reflective, careful thinking can be left behind: the words torn up, and there are so many roots that I want to share but that I do not wish written down in a place where unfriendly eyes might tear them.

by Azlan

574: “TEMPORAL ALLEGIANCE” (Ross Gay)

                “I have since begun cataloging delights that I will save for a future date, which, while stacking delights in itself is a useful activity and practice (sounds like a Denny’s pancake breakfast special: Delight Stack), it defeats this book’s purpose of TEMPORAL ALLEGIANCE, which I actually wrote on my hand in the bathroom of Darn Good Soup in Bloomington today…” Ross Gay, The Book of Delights, page 107-8

                This from near the beginning of Ross Gay’s 35th delight in The Book of Delights, as he’s reflecting on his project of writing a delight every day (more or less) for a year. As he’s noticing patterns, five months in, in how he looks for delights, how he writes about them. These words meeting me.
                This also being the page I opened to just now after my love and I came back from a late summer walk, the evening cool and then warm as we washed through it, muscles waking up after a day inside, fireflies flying their fires, neighbors walking their dogs, the zipline carrying a kid across the playground (and the kid carrying the zipline into his games). Which is to say: I also notice patterns. I’ve been writing Uproar for 570-some weeks. Which is to say: I sometimes start “saving up” Uproar posts, making sure I’ll have them. Have enough. Which is to say: that saving turns away from what I love most about Uproar. Remembering, that is lovely. (Just yesterday my love recalled something funny we’d said, and said it again, and without meaning to I said “good remembery!” Remembery like a spell, like magic, I think). But instead of saving up because I’m worried about having enough, these posts for me are about abundance. About what I’m surrounded by and enmeshed in. Abundance of thought and creativity, abundance of lives and relationships, abundance of community powers and vitalities and delights. 
                TEMPORAL ALLEGIANCE, Gay says, “means, simply, dailiness.” The dailiness of walking into this. The dailiness of being met by so many wonders, and meeting them, open armed and ready to join not just with the possibilities I’ve saved up but the daily possibilities lighting like fireflies or pausing to chat like neighbors.

by Azlan

573: Little Red Riding Hood

                Today I was talking with a student about Charles Perrault’s “Little Red Riding Hood” (1697) and Jacob Wilhelm Grimm’s “Little Red Cap” (1812) and all the other versions of Little Red that we’ve met in books, TV shows, games, conversations, and our own or shared imaginations. This student didn’t like that the parents never tell Little Red why the forest can be dangerous, or go with her to teach her how to navigate its dangers. Now that my student mentioned it, I don’t like that, either. I started wondering about a version of the story where the parents and the child listen to each other, learn from each other. Help each other. I started imagining a version of the story that started with a different family and a different Little Red.
                One of my favorite things about folk tales is the way they invite us to ask what if, what else, what if we turned another way, or learned together, or met each other anew. So sitting together, while my student wrote her version, I wrote (and I’m just going to give you the beginning!)

                There once was a wolf called Little Red Patch because she’d been hit in the side by a hunter’s bullet when she was only a pup, and ever since, the fur there had grown red. Despite the wound and maybe a little in response to it Little Red had also grown curious. She was curious about the birds in the sky, and sometimes got dizzy from staring up for so long as she listened to their singing. She was curious about the glistening stones in the river and sometimes she dove into the water to touch them. She was curious about the woodcutter nearby and sometimes followed her nose toward the cooking smells that came from his cabin. Her mother told her to be careful.
                “Sometimes humans are scared of us, and they can attack the people they’re scared of,” said mother wolf. “Sometimes they just don’t want to share the food of the forest so they kill us. You can’t go to the woodcutter’s house!”
                Little Red listened to her mother, and for three days she swam in the river looking at the stones and watching how quick the fish were. But…

                In this version of the story Little Red is still curious. But what if Little Red tries to listen to her mother while still feeling her curiosity? What if her mother sees her curiosity, and decides, not to teach her a lesson, but to help her learn how to move safely? What—we might wonder—then. Or maybe your wonder goes off in another direction?

by Azlan

571: “For My Mother” (Malka Older)

“For my mother, Dora Vázquez Older, 
whose careful and appreciative first readings 
encourage me through every book, 
chapter by chapter.

There are other ways to live.”
-Malka Older, dedication for The Imposition of Unnecessary Obstacles

                My partner and I are in Illinois again, back from our trip to spend time with my parents, siblings, and niblings. Tonight we’re starting a new book: Malka Older’s The Imposition of Unnecessary Obstacles. Tonight I’m also sending the revised draft of my dissertation to my mom and my dad. Both of them appear in it. They’re there with me, learning and teaching and walking along.
                Whenever I write, I read what I’m writing out loud. I listen to the words, feeling how they rise and fall, wondering if they say what I mean. Wondering how they might carry us along, and to what kind of meeting. When I read I hear my parents’ voices in my voice. I think I was thirteen or fourteen when my dad first read a story I’d written out loud. I listened, surprised, because in his voice the possibilities I’d imagined came to life just like The Lord of the Rings. (He read those to me a lot, at home but also along rivers and up on mountain passes). When my niblings were young I’d go sit with them while my mom read a bedtime story. Some of the stories I remembered, like Enid Blyton’s The Magical Faraway Tree. When I didn’t remember these characters, this world, I always remembered her voice, rising and falling, pausing and dancing along as it carried us. There are so many other ways to live. I listen, grateful for all the ways my family (and Older’s family, and so many families) encourage us to reimagine the possible, chapter by chapter, and in the relationships between us as we share chapters.

by Azlan

566: “Lapse Into Silence” (Jay Dragon)

“Additionally, anyone can do the following Whoopsies:
>Drop a soapy dish, and break it.
>Change the subject.
>Lapse into silence.”
                -Jay Dragon, Yazeba’s Bed & Breakfast, page 108

                Yazeba’s Bed & Breakfast is built around a lot of wonderful, changing game mechanics, One of them is Bingos and Whoopsies. When you play a character, your Bingos are moments of playing to your strengths, fully engaging in the moment and who you are, helping work through a difficult problem, and so on. Your Whoopsies are moments of weakness and old faults coming out, tripping up the situation even more. Both move the story— that is, the game—in different shifting ways. 
                I started this post because, when I sat down to write, I liked the silence more than the sound of my fingers typing. Hours before that some friends and I were playing Yazeba’s Bed and Breakfast. The chapter we were playing shows friends trying to share their uncertainty about their place in the world while washing the dishes from a big celebration. In that chapter, all players have additional Whoopsies: break a dish, change the subject (as someone tries to share something important), or lapse into silence. In the context of the chapter, I think “lapse into silence” means stop trying to say something important, or stop trying to respond to the piece of themselves a friend has just shared. But as we played, as the game led us through our characters’ attempts to talk about their place in the world, we found other meanings in that silence. Some of the characters’ most open, connective moments were shared silences. Sitting down to write I kept thinking about that. I didn’t want to write it, not yet. I wanted to listen to all the little sounds of the house. To the sound of voices hours or days after they’ve stopped talking.
                Yazeba’s Bed & Breakfast is built around a lot of wonderful, changing game mechanics. One of them makes me think about how sharing our brokennesses—tangling a situation even further—can also be part of fully engaging with the moment and who we are together.

by Azlan

564: “Where Are You Going?” (Davies & Aduba)

                “Where are you going with this?” 
                “Don’t know. Won’t know till I get there.” -Paul William Davies and Uzo Aduba (who voices the line), The Residence 

                I didn’t post this on Monday because my partner and I were camping for a few days, out in the woods. Trees to listen to. Downy woodpeckers to meet. Moments to share. It was so good to be out of our usual rhythms. 
                Last week my friend Ishita and I talked about reverse outlining. She just finished her PhD. I have one more year in mine.I’ve been going back through all the different notes and chapter drafts that make up my dissertation-in-progress. Looking at these pieces. Thinking about what needs to come before what, what needs to be cut, what needs more detail. There’s something wonderful in that practice. Somewhere—in Letters to a Young Poet?—Rainier Maria Rilke quips something like, “When you give someone flowers, you arrange them beforehand, don’t you?” Editing can be arranging flowers: considering shapes and colors before I offer them to you, hoping you’ll like them.
                While I’m arranging, I’ve been writing new poems in conversation with a few friends. We give each other a starting place, like Lampshape or Smudged Mirror, and then (usually that same day) we sit and feel and listen and write and follow the images that come up, the memories, the words, until we are somewhere, and we call that somewhere a poem. We share it with each other. We don’t know where we’re going until we get there. That’s how we find ourselves here.

by Azlan